Interview with Denise
Tell us a little about yourself, your family, or anything else.
My name is Denise Pilgrim (Cheek). I have three children, all of them grown, and three grandbabies, aged 12, 11, and 6. They will be turning that age this year.
And where are you located? You don’t have to be specific.
It’s a little town northwest of Atlanta called Taylorsville. It’s about 20 minutes from Cartersville. We moved here in 1995 into my grandparents’ home. My grandfather passed away in 95, and my grandmother in 98. In 95, Grandmother moved in with Mom. So, there was nobody here to take care of the house. The family offered us to come up here into their home, including me, Phillip, my husband, and the kids. So, it’s always been home to me. I can even remember when my great-grandmother lived here. It’s been kind of handed down, and it’s a farmhouse.
What significant challenges have you faced as a mother?
Well, when the kids were younger, I was working. That was before our youngest, Katie, was born. I worked a lot. It was trying to work and take care of kids and a husband. Then, in 95, our Katie came, our prayer baby. We called her that because we felt God was waiting for us to stay home. This was when we lived in Norcross, and we could not afford for me to stay at home. The attorney I was working with couldn’t afford to pay me any more than I was getting, which was fine. But the daycare was going up in costs and other things like that. And I said, “Lord, you must show me what you want me to do.” I’m an audible person, so I talk to God like that. And I came up pregnant with Katie. I said, well, there’s my answer. She was born in January, but I quit work in November before that.
Would you say you leaned on prayer and wanted God to show you how to navigate this best?
Oh, yes, very much so. We did a lot of praying about it, trying to ensure that this is what God wants us to do. And, I mean, we’re human. We make mistakes, and some of (our choices) were what I don’t think God wanted. But we live, and we learn. Financially, it hindered us, but I learned to cut corners in certain areas. Phillip was able to get extra time at work.
He was a truck driver. He wasn’t long-haul but on the road quite a bit. I relied on my mom a lot for helping with the kids or running errands. But nine times out of ten, the kids were with me.
If he was on the road and out of town, the kids had activities they needed to attend.
That was me. It was on me to get everybody where they needed to be, especially when we moved to Taylorsville. It’s a 2-hour drive for my mom. I have extended family out here, like cousins and great-aunts. But I didn’t know anybody. So it was all on me to get them to school or any extra activities they had. Bradley was in baseball, and Becca was in drama. Katie did the chorus and band. So, over the years, it has been kind of challenging.
Do you have any advice for other young mothers or anyone coming up who might be in a similar situation where they’re finding it financially challenging, even with both parents working?
You just have to look at your budget and figure it out. With me, I looked at the things that we were purchasing. We always ask each other if this is something that we need or if this is something that we want and feel like we need. Some stuff, as far as finances, that we would put that particular item on hold for about a week or two before we purchased it. We would get it if we still felt we needed it in a week or two. But after two weeks, if we lived without it and it made no difference whether we had it or not, we decided, you know what, we could wait a little while on that.
I recommend finding a good church. The friends you make in church can make a big difference in helping with errands and other things. Your kids can also develop friends with your church families.
Looking at what you’ve been through, how did you prepare your children to face challenges as they grow up? How did you approach and work through them?
Starting in ’98 or ’97, I started doing a lot of caregiving for my family, and my kids were very involved, so they saw it. I didn’t hide things from them. I mean, specific stuff, yes. I didn’t, you know, go into great detail with them about the conversations and things happening. But at least they were there, and they could see what I had to handle. They knew a little about our financial situation because we all sat down and prayed.
I took care of my grandmother from 97 to 98. She was in the nursing home. But I did go up there. Never on the same day and never at the same time. So I knew that the nurses were taking care of her like she needed to be taken care of. They never knew when I was going to pop in. So Katie was with me at all times, and she could see, you know, how I was doing and taking care of things. Then, she, my grandmother, passed away. My dad passed in 2001, and I helped my mom as much as I could. I’d visit her and stuff like that.
But then, in 2003, Mom was diagnosed with bone cancer and multiple myeloma. So, I took care of her off and on for ten years between her and my stepdad. So, the kids were involved in that, seeing what I was doing. I didn’t shun them and try to put them in the corner where they couldn’t see things. They saw what I was going through. Not the gory stuff or the intimate details or anything. No, I didn’t offer them that. But they knew what I was going through, what happened to me, and stuff like that.
Did your mom have a bone marrow transplant?
No. They offered it to her, but she had to be in the hospital for three months, if not a little more, and isolated. We could go up there to visit her but not in the same room with her. We could talk to her between, you know, the windows and stuff. So she said, “I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be away from our family. I will let the good Lord decide what to do.” Her motto was, “I’ve got cancer. Cancer doesn’t have me.” So, she relied on the Lord a good bit. And my kids learned from that, as well. We took it one day at a time.
They told Mom, probably about 3-4 years. She was diagnosed in 2003 and passed away in 2014. The Lord has his timing. When we told our general practitioner what the cancer doctor had said, he called that cancer doctor up and raked him over the coals. He was very much a Christian as well. He said you know, your patients, you can tell them statistically; this is what we’re looking at. Don’t just say, well, you’ve got between 3 and 4 years. You can’t do that.
When did you find out that Phillip was sick?
Well, he’s always had Crohn’s. He was diagnosed with that in 97, right after we moved up here. So, he kind of battled that over the years. However, in 2018, he had an accident on the road where he hit a barrier but just grazed it. And the camera that they had in the truck showed it was like he just didn’t even see it. He didn’t know it was even there. It was just like deer in the headlights. His boss saw what was on the camera. He said Phillip was an excellent driver with no history of accidents; something was wrong. You need to go to the doctor and have some tests. He didn’t even act like he’d seen the barrier when he hit it.
So, we went to the doctor, and they did an MRI. And that’s when they found it. It was February of 2018. And then, at the end of February or the first of March, he had the brain cancer removed. They were able to get all of it. But he was on short-term disability and then eventually went on long-term disability. While he was doing that, he was also having to do some cancer chemo. And also on a certain kind of chemo that was for Crohm’s. They don’t call it chemo; it is Remicade. We tried to ensure that we staggered the therapy so that they weren’t doing them both simultaneously. And then in 2020, no 2019, he started having problems with intestinal infections. He wound up going into the hospital on his birthday in 2019 and had a colostomy bag put on. They had to remove everything. The doctors said that more than likely, when he started doing the chemo and we wound up accidentally doing them both at the same time, it probably set up and weakened his immune system even more. But he went in December 2019. He didn’t pass away from the cancer. He passed away from complications from Crohn’s. The Lord healed him of cancer. I mean, he was cancer-free for over a year and almost two years. Even when he passed away, there was no sign of cancer there.
During that time, were you working?
When Katie was born, I quit work. Mom was diagnosed in 2003, so in 2004, I was working part-time at the church as the church secretary. And then in 2014, well actually 2013, we saw mom was having to go to the hospital more often for dehydration and whatever. I was stressed out because, you know, I had to take care of a home, work part-time, and take care of her. And the church finances were getting to a position where the tithing was not coming in as needed. So they needed to cut costs.
But it was a blessing in disguise. In disguise because I could take care of my mom and be here for my family. And like I said, this was before Phillip was diagnosed with cancer, and I was able to take care of my mom until she passed away on Thanksgiving of 2014.
In 2015. I started working part-time with the school system. I was a special ed, special needs, school bus monitor. I did that, and when Phillip was first diagnosed in 2018, I quit work because I knew that I would have to be home with him. The Lord just definitely supplied everything. I mean, even finances, we weren’t comfortable. But you know what? The bills were paid. We were getting food on the table, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. We got what we needed.
I get worried. We’re human. We worry, and we panic. But I said, Lord, I don’t know what to do. But you do, especially when it comes to the finances. I said certain things must be taken care of, and no funds exist. (shrug of the shoulders) Something will come up, and the Lord will supply it.
Looking back, is there anything that you would have done differently? Hindsight is 2020. But just thinking about your choices and how you’ve navigated different things from Phillip’s illness and such? Do you think you would have done anything differently?
I would be kinder, even with Mom and Phillip. Sometimes, I’d get aggravated with them. But it wasn’t aggravated at them per se. I was aggravated at myself because I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t fix them. I’m a fixer. (Katie is laughing off camera, agreeing 100%, shaking her head in the affirmative) If I can’t fix it, I get aggravated and sometimes take it out on the person I can’t fix. I don’t mean to, you know, but they understand. And they get aggravated at me, too. I don’t know if I would change anything because I wouldn’t be where I am today. Phillip’s been gone; this August will be four years. I still have days that I miss him – I miss him a lot.
I got aggravated when somebody else was trying to comfort me. It was one of my best friends, and she is still one of my friends from church. She came over the day Phillip passed, looked at me, and said, “I’m jealous of him.” I said what do you mean you’re jealous of him. I mean, I was still kind of in shock, I guess. I knew what was coming. I saw what was happening and going on with Phillip. So, I knew it was coming; it would happen. And she made that comment. I looked at her, and it took everything in me. All I could do to not say anything. But in my mind, I thought, I don’t want to hear that. He’s not here with me. And, looking at that, I realized how quickly I say stuff like that with people who are going through grief. And sometimes that’s just not what they want to hear, you know? Even though it’s the truth, I know where Phillip’s at. He’s not hurting. He’s not suffering. No, I would not want him back here because that would take him away from where he is now.
But right, part of me, I mean, he passed away two months before our 40th anniversary. Yes, I want him here, but I don’t want him here. Not that I don’t want him. (laughing) I don’t know if I can honestly say I would do something differently…other than being kinder. Because I wouldn’t be where I am now. The Lord has blessed me in so many ways.
Being a caregiver for so many years and such a big part of your life, how did you manage to take care of yourself so that you had something to give to others?
I would take time for myself occasionally, even if it were nothing more than standing in the shower just to squall my eyes out. I also pray a lot. After my mom passed away, if I felt like I needed my time and Phillip being in the position that he was in, I would go to the cemetery and just visit with my mom and my grandparents (my grandparents were a big part of my raising as well), even if it’s just for an hour to get away for myself. Sometimes, I’d even go to the grocery store by myself. As much as I hate buying groceries, I enjoy going and just, you know, looking around and just taking time for myself. I am involved in Church quite a bit now. After Phillip passed away, I’ll be honest: even after Mom passed away, I found myself not being as involved as I used to be. Not that I was stepping away from the Lord. But I guess maybe, in a way, I kind of was. I kept praying. I read my Bible. I knew that God was there. You can still get mad at God; you can fuss at God because he’s a big boy. He knows; he already knows what we’re going through even before we go through it.
So I recommend at least trying to find a time to take time for yourself. Even if it’s just 30 or 45 minutes to an hour, you know, to get away from everything. I would recommend it if it’s nothing more than getting in the bathtub and soaking for a while or taking a long shower. There have been a few times that I got in the car and just sat in the driveway and just screamed my head off.
Yes, we’re releasing that, whether through tears or verbally.
I look at it as if God created tears—not only for sadness but also to detox the toxins, chemicals, and nasty stuff we’ve got in our bodies. Tears detox us; they help us get rid of all that stuff.
There is something that my daughter has discovered that I would recommend if they’re able to do it. It’s called a Rage Room. You go in there, and you can throw axes. They’ve got a room where you can break things. There are TVs in there, computers, and windshields. It’s very therapeutic because you’re getting your anger out. It’s not that you’re angry at somebody else, but it’s just the situation. You know, I couldn’t fix things. So I’d get angry at times. That’s what I would do, along with the crying and visiting mom.
But I also think finding a good therapist helps. That’s what Katie is studying. She graduates next year and is getting her mental therapist certificate. She has anxiety from all that we have been through, especially over the last five years. It developed a lot of anxiety for her. I still feel like I’ve got some anxiety, but maybe not at the same level that she has. Not that hers is more than mine or mine is more, or whatever…just different, a different level. So, I recommend doing it. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a good therapist. They’ve got good ears to listen.
So Phillip passed four years ago?
Yes, August will be four years ago.
Now that you’re on the other side of that, what are your hopes for the future? What do you see for your life at this point?
I do want a closer walk with Christ than what I’ve had. I’ve not been that close with him, and I guess you could say I’ve had some anger issues. And it’s okay. You know it’s perfectly fine to be that way. It’s part of the grieving process, right? Because I still, you know, I’m grieving for my mom, even though it’s been ten years. I still miss her an awful lot. We were very close. But I want a closer walk with him.
I’ve been watching the series The Chosen. I highly recommend it for anybody if they’ve walked away from God or taken a step back. Maybe not necessarily walked away. There are some things in there that I just…listen, I’ve always read my Bible. I know who God is, and I know who Christ is. It’s just a different walk right now. But by watching that, there are so many things. I’m praising him more, loving more, and wanting to be closer to him—understanding and knowing he understands me.
I’m working part-time now at Kohl’s, and I enjoy that. I used to be somewhat of an introvert. But now I’m like, no. The older I get, the more I’m like,…I’ll talk to a stop sign if the stop sign will talk back to me. I’m open to whatever the Lord wants me to do.